The kind of father a person had has a lot to do with that person’s initial response and reaction to God. If a person had a father who was kind, outgoing, warm-hearted and easy to communicate with, that person will normally find it easy to think of and to approach God in those terms. But if a person had a father who was unkind, critical and always making unreasonable and excessive demands, that person is liable to think of God in the same way. They will see God as always making demands which humanity can never live up to: unrealistic, legalistic and harsh. Sometimes it happens that a child has a father who is actually cruel and vicious. Very frequently such a child unconsciously transfers those attributes from the natural human father to God. Consequently, they have a negative attitude to God which is not based on any reason except the behavior of the father.

How can a father represent God to his family—to be the prophet for good and not for evil? In Ephesians 6:4, Paul is writing to fathers as he says: “And, fathers, do not provoke your children to anger; but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” Again, in Colossians 3:21: “Fathers, do not exasperate your children, that they may not lose heart.”

The New Testament, just like the Old Testament, places the responsibility for the spiritual education and instruction of the children fairly and squarely upon the shoulders of the father. Obviously, mothers have a great influence over children and a lot to contribute to their spiritual development, but, primarily, it is the father who is responsible for providing spiritual instruction for his children. If a father does not do it, there is no one else who can exactly take over that responsibility.

The majority of fathers, if they are aware that they have any responsibility for the instruction of their children, are quite content to transfer it to the Sunday school, to the church, to the pastor or to the youth leader. Very often such a parent, if his child is in some kind of church or youth group and goes astray, will blame the church or the youth group. The father can never divest himself of the primary responsibility for raising his children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. It is one of his sacred responsibilities which is not transferable. Paul indicates that in doing this a father must guard against two opposite dangers. The first danger is rebelliousness in the child. The father guards against rebellion by maintaining firm discipline—not allowing children to become wayward or irresponsible, not allowing them to answer back and expecting them to do what they are told promptly, quietly, obediently. It is much easier to give instruction to children who are brought up that way.

However, a father must also guard against the opposite extreme which is discouragement. If a father is unduly severe, critical and demanding, the result may be that the child will become discouraged and take the attitude, “Well, it’s no good. Nothing I do ever pleases my father, so I might as well not bother to try.” The warning that Paul gives is: “Don’t provoke them. Don’t exasperate them.”

In order to meet his responsibilities to his family, a father must always keep in mind the need for regular, ongoing communication with his children. If he does not maintain that kind of communication, then he cannot fulfill his responsibilities. The communication between a father and his child is usually most effective in a nonreligious setting. If children associate the instruction their father gives them with something stiff, formal and religious, they tend, in the end, to resent both the religion and the instruction. I can think of a good many cases of people whose problems went back to that kind of situation. It is essential in communicating with children to not merely talk to them but to let them talk to you. Most people who deal with wayward or delinquent children would agree that they nearly always have one common complaint: “Our parents never listen to us.” So, you must cultivate the practice of listening. Let your child talk, let him or her express themselves, let them come up with their problem and do not try to do it in too religious an atmosphere.

This principle is stated in the law where Moses gave the Israelites very clear and practical instructions on how to bring up their children. Deuteronomy 11:18-21. One main reason for this is that fathers have failed to do what Moses said they should do. Moses said, in effect, “Teach the Word of God, the truths of your faith, to your children. Speak about them when you sit down, when you rise up, when you walk by the way.” In other words, let the Word of God be a central theme of your whole family life. Do not simply reserve the teaching of Scripture to the church, Sunday school or youth group. Let God’s Word have a natural place in your daily life and communication with your family. Let it be something natural and something practical. Let the children see how it works out in real-life situations.